Just A Quick Update ♥

Genesis birthday is right around the corner and Im so excited! We were suppose to be going to sea world but we are going to wait closer to August thats around the time Jay will come back home. I kinda feel guilty asking his mom can we get him for about a week when we have him all year round while she has him during the summer. I feel like he should have time to play with his other siblings we have plenty of time to do the things we want to do. I must admit I miss him like crazy!! We are going down to visit him on the 29th.its been a while since my husbands parents saw Genesis so we figured this will be a great time to go. Although Genesis acts really clingy she WILL NOT go to anyone she DOES NOT know. I dont know how to get her to ease up a bit. Hopefully we will have a great time. Well Im keeping this post short, I'll be back with more pics soon.

Rambling (Family/Video)

Lately I have been writing about the negative things going on in my life so instead Im going to focus on the things I am more than grateful for...My Family :)

We have been doing great (regaurdless of the things that are going on right now) we are planning our little one birthday party/get together. Jay is with his mom for the summer, but we are going down to visit in a week or so.

Genesis is growing like a weed,she is getting so big now I can barely tote her (without looking like im struggling) She has not learned how to walk yet,he havent made not one single step. Im sure she will be walking soon probably around 13-14 months. She has two teeth coming in at the top! Oh, she still is breastfed. I'm slowly trying to wein her but its not working. I feed her whatever we are eating for example yesterday we had spaghettis and garlic bread. I put her spaghettis in the food processor and she loved it!! But no matter what she eats she will still want to be breastfed and she knows how to let me know when she is ready. She will rub her mouth on my shirt (looking for the breast) or sometimes she lifts my shirt up. I thought that mabye since she is eating more table food she wouldnt want milk as much, but she does. I even went out and bought Enfagrow toddler milk..SHE HATED IT to say the least.. lol

Right now she is right beside me sleeping (looking so peaceful :) but I'm about to sneak off so I can cook. In case you were wondering I'm cooking BBQ chicken, macaroni and cheese w/ potato salad (if we have potatoes)

Oh, and I have been thinking about putting up videos of our family just doing things such as our family outtings, cooking, ect. I think it would be fun! What do you think?

Well I think its time for me to get cookin"

caio

I don't know what's going on ...

Today I went to the hospital for blood work afterwards I left and I went home. About 3 hours later I received a call to come back to do an ultrasound. My doctor told me that my numbers was going down; which is a good thing. They are back down to 65 but we need them to be at zero. He also told me that the mass; which was thought to be a cyst is getting smaller, but he is not sure what it is. That kind of made me angry because at my last appointment it seem like he was positive that was what it was now he isn't sure. Now that's not even the crazy part. He also told me that when he did the D&C there was not evidence of a embryo. HUH? So he went on to say that that cyst could be a embryo. If you are confused so am I! My numbers are going down so clearly that mean no embryo is present. And he says the mass(if that's what it is) is getting smaller so I don't know what to think. He even started talking about the possibility of the mass actually being a embryo. So now he wants me to come back Monday to check my numbers. I don't think its an embryo though but I cant explain why there were any remnants of an embryo. I'm clueless!

My Follow-Up (well sort of)

As you may already know I had an follow up appt today but I left before being called now let me tell you why. As always I check in, take a magazine and wait for my name to be called. Sitting across from was this family and they went in the back before I did but about 30 minutes later they came out with ultrasound photos. She sat right across from me so I couldnt help but here her call family members about the good news. I was fighting back tears, not because I was mad because she was pregnant but because I wished that was why I was there. Instead I was there for a totally different reason. I decided to leave because I was an emotional wreck. People probably wouldnt understand my pain, grief since I was really early. I made an appt to go back next Monday but I got a call today from my doctor telling me to come back in the morning for blood work. I also was told that the test came back from the D&C and they didnt find a thing wrong with the embryo. Instead of being happy, im depressed because I feel like it was my fault. I asked my doctor could breastfeeding cause a problem and he said no, but I'm still wondering whether it did or not.

..blah..

Im not feeling any better emotionally or physically. I have been bleeding heavy for a couple of days now at first it seem like it was tapering off but then I started bleeding heavy with light cramps. I hope I dont have to have another d&c. I read that sometimes when you bleed heavy it could mean that all of the baby isnt out. I have an appt on the 16th, Im guessing they are going to check my HCG levels again. This time they are SUPPOSE to drop...sigh..Im just not myself today I want to be alone for a while but thats not possible. I guess I just have to "suck it up" since I really dont have anyone to talk to. Writing is kind of a release for me so I like to blog, but lately I have been considering deleting all of the social sites i've joined. Im just in a dump right now, definately not myself. I guess I better get some well needed rest.

Q_Q

Miscarriage/D&C

Yesterday I received the news that I had a missed miscarriage and this morning at 5:30 I went to have an D&C done. I was so scared and nervous, I couldn't stop crying. I was happy when they finally let my husband come in the back with me while they did blood work. But it soon came time for the procedure and I was wheeled down this long hallway and we entered into this all white room with bright lights everywhere. I really don't remember much because of the anesthesia. remember waking up and feeling tubes down my nose. I thanked GOD as soon as I came to realize what had just happen and that I was okay. Right now I feel sad, depressed, angry because I feel like I let my husband down, I let myself by not being able to carry this baby to full term. I wanted this baby so badly as soon as I knew of his/her presence I was filled with joy. That joy only lasted for a moment it was quickly stolen when I found out that the baby was not thriving. I feel like it was my fault because I was breastfeeding and maybe the baby didnt get the nutrients he needed to survive. My first child died at 21 weeks, my second child was born a month early, and this baby didnt make it past first trimester. I hope this pattern does not continue because I want to have more kids, I want a big family. With all of this going on I don't know if that will ever happen.

x_x

RESULTS!!

I just got a call from the nurse my numbers did not double like the were suppose to. Saturday my numbers were at 288 and yesterday it was 333. I have to go back tomorrow to take the test again. I don't know what to think..Im just going to keep thinking even though its really hard. As I said before the doctor thinks that the baby implanted on my ovary and from the looks of those numbers its kind of hard to think differently. So Im going to the doctor tomorrow. I was cramping really bad last night too. I tried to just lay down and relax but it was hard with a 11 month old jumping, playing, and crying and crawling all over the place. My husband was at work so I had to tackle her all alone and he has to work tonight too and doesnt get home til 6:30 am.

Be back soon with the result from the doctor..hopefully Friday.

GOD is in control

I am so nervous. I can barely do anything without thinking about the appt on Monday.It seems as though I would be more confident but for some reason I'm not. My husband keep telling me that everything is okay and I'm going to look back on this and see that I have done all this stressing for nothing. I certainly hope that is how it is. Im having pain on my left side and it seems that it has increased since yesterday. It could all be in my head because of the fear and maybe that fear is turning into paranoia. I have been doing research on ectopic pregnancy trying to find an article on baby being implanted on ovary. I didnt even know that a baby could implant on an ovary I heard of tubal pregnancy though. From what I know and heard that the egg leaves the ovary and travels through the fallopian tube and wait(<-not the word I was looking for but you get the idea) for the sperm. Then it travels from there to the uterus..well that is what is suppose to happen. *sigh* I want today to be a good and worry-free day but as long as I am in front of my computer that cant happen because I'm bound to start digging around for some info regaurding ectopic pregnancy. So off I go.

Suzzanna

BAD NEWS!! :(

I just came back from the hospital and I am very depressed to say the least. I went to the ER because I have been bleeding and having sharp pain on one side..long story short an ultra sound was done. The doctor nor the tech could see a fetus just fluid. The doctor discovered a cyst at least thats what he think it COULD be; which would be a good thing in this case because he think the baby has implanted his self on my ovary instead of my uterus. Im praying thats not the case. Monday I will also have a quanitive test done to make sure my numbers are going up.I'm clinging on to hope when I was pregnant with Genesis I was told they didnt see a baby. One yr later i have a habby and healthy baby girl. I know thers still a chance of something going wrong. Please keep me in your prayers.

Preggo My Eggo!!

Am I dreaming? Is this real?
Today I took a pregnancy test because I wanted to start working out today. My husband and I made a quick errand to Wal-Greens and as soon as I walked in the door I ran to bathroom. I was pumped about getting ready to work out; which I have been putting off far too long. Anywhoo I took the test went to talk to hubby for a bit..went back to check the results and it read PREGNANT! I jumped up and down but at the same time I was (and still is)in disbelief! Im taking another test later on tonight and hopefully it will confirm that I am pregnant. GOD, I am thrilled, beyond happy... This was definately not expected not even planned of course I wanted to have a baby but didnt think that it would actually happen. Hold on, I think I am getting ahead of myself right now. I keep thinking it is a false positive. Im praying that it is not. Im scared to get too excited..sigh... I have been going backwards and fowards every since I read that oh so beautiful word "pregnant" I want to make sure that everything is good and going smoothly. After I take that test and IF it confirms that I am pregnant Im will be making my first appt. Oh my!! Could I really be doing this all over again!? I am certainly more than ready

SIGNING OFF