Family Pictures

My Brother :(

I wish I could say that a lot has not been going on, I wish I could say that everything has been peachy and I have been spending most of my days lounging around enjoying the beautiful sun. But this is my life we are talking about things like that dont happen to a girl like me.  Where shall I start? hmmm ..Last week we traveled 14 hrs to visit my brother who is in a group home. I couldnt wait to see him, hug him, kiss him. He was first in a mentally facility then he was transferred to group home.  I already had concerns because previously he told me over the phone that he is not being treated well. So I was hoping things were starting to get better since I reported the facility. Instead he told me he was being molested by a male staff and it happened on two different occasions. And to make matters worse the guy was not suppose to be at work that day. I knew something fishy was going on because when I would call to speak with my brother they always had an excuse. Now I find out why they didnt want my brother talking on the phone. There has been so much going on more than I can say at this moment. I miss him so much now Im in the process of trying to get him out of the group home; which is a new facility. I lost all faith that I had in group homes. I don't know if that trust can ever be gained again. I cant even begin to express how upset I am.

I'm still here :)

Its been soooo long since I posted. I had another blog but I think I'm going to delete it. Its basically a ttc blog and I figured I can add that stuff in here too. For anyone who is wondering if we're pregnant yet..NOPE. I tell myself before I take a pregnancy test that I will not be depressed or upset if its a negative. What do I do? Throw a hissy fit, of course! I been thinking about buying a fertility monitor but its a 200.00. My husband thinks it will happen, we just have to be patient and have faith. Im just so impatient. on to more things...
 A lot has been going on. Jay is in kindergarten and he loves it! Everyday he goes to different classes such as Monday is P.E, Tuesday is Music ect. His most favorite is Friday not only because its the end of the week and he get to play his x-box all weekend but because he loves computer lab. We have actually been thinking about giving him our old computer to put in his room.
Genesis is walking, talking  she says ma-ma, da-da and stop; which is her favorite word. It was so funny while driving to a photo shoot yesterday my husband hit a bump in the road which made her car seat wiggle a bit and she yelled STOP! Speaking of photo shoot the kids did well yesterday. Genesis would normally cry when she is close to a stranger but instead she just did her own thing. The photographer was really nice and sweet. I'm kinda doubting if she had any good pictures to work with because my husband is so hard to crack. He is the type of guy that keep is emotions to himself. So at the shoot its was hard to get him to be affectionate. All weekend I was nagging him to practice romantic poses, of course he didn't! Instead he played the x-box and watch football.  I left the shoot thinking omg i bet she thinks we are so freakin" weird. Kaylie if you're reading this I promise we're not! We're actually fun, outgoing people LOL.

Just A Quick Update ♥

Genesis birthday is right around the corner and Im so excited! We were suppose to be going to sea world but we are going to wait closer to August thats around the time Jay will come back home. I kinda feel guilty asking his mom can we get him for about a week when we have him all year round while she has him during the summer. I feel like he should have time to play with his other siblings we have plenty of time to do the things we want to do. I must admit I miss him like crazy!! We are going down to visit him on the 29th.its been a while since my husbands parents saw Genesis so we figured this will be a great time to go. Although Genesis acts really clingy she WILL NOT go to anyone she DOES NOT know. I dont know how to get her to ease up a bit. Hopefully we will have a great time. Well Im keeping this post short, I'll be back with more pics soon.

Rambling (Family/Video)

Lately I have been writing about the negative things going on in my life so instead Im going to focus on the things I am more than grateful for...My Family :)

We have been doing great (regaurdless of the things that are going on right now) we are planning our little one birthday party/get together. Jay is with his mom for the summer, but we are going down to visit in a week or so.

Genesis is growing like a weed,she is getting so big now I can barely tote her (without looking like im struggling) She has not learned how to walk yet,he havent made not one single step. Im sure she will be walking soon probably around 13-14 months. She has two teeth coming in at the top! Oh, she still is breastfed. I'm slowly trying to wein her but its not working. I feed her whatever we are eating for example yesterday we had spaghettis and garlic bread. I put her spaghettis in the food processor and she loved it!! But no matter what she eats she will still want to be breastfed and she knows how to let me know when she is ready. She will rub her mouth on my shirt (looking for the breast) or sometimes she lifts my shirt up. I thought that mabye since she is eating more table food she wouldnt want milk as much, but she does. I even went out and bought Enfagrow toddler milk..SHE HATED IT to say the least.. lol

Right now she is right beside me sleeping (looking so peaceful :) but I'm about to sneak off so I can cook. In case you were wondering I'm cooking BBQ chicken, macaroni and cheese w/ potato salad (if we have potatoes)

Oh, and I have been thinking about putting up videos of our family just doing things such as our family outtings, cooking, ect. I think it would be fun! What do you think?

Well I think its time for me to get cookin"

caio

I don't know what's going on ...

Today I went to the hospital for blood work afterwards I left and I went home. About 3 hours later I received a call to come back to do an ultrasound. My doctor told me that my numbers was going down; which is a good thing. They are back down to 65 but we need them to be at zero. He also told me that the mass; which was thought to be a cyst is getting smaller, but he is not sure what it is. That kind of made me angry because at my last appointment it seem like he was positive that was what it was now he isn't sure. Now that's not even the crazy part. He also told me that when he did the D&C there was not evidence of a embryo. HUH? So he went on to say that that cyst could be a embryo. If you are confused so am I! My numbers are going down so clearly that mean no embryo is present. And he says the mass(if that's what it is) is getting smaller so I don't know what to think. He even started talking about the possibility of the mass actually being a embryo. So now he wants me to come back Monday to check my numbers. I don't think its an embryo though but I cant explain why there were any remnants of an embryo. I'm clueless!

My Follow-Up (well sort of)

As you may already know I had an follow up appt today but I left before being called now let me tell you why. As always I check in, take a magazine and wait for my name to be called. Sitting across from was this family and they went in the back before I did but about 30 minutes later they came out with ultrasound photos. She sat right across from me so I couldnt help but here her call family members about the good news. I was fighting back tears, not because I was mad because she was pregnant but because I wished that was why I was there. Instead I was there for a totally different reason. I decided to leave because I was an emotional wreck. People probably wouldnt understand my pain, grief since I was really early. I made an appt to go back next Monday but I got a call today from my doctor telling me to come back in the morning for blood work. I also was told that the test came back from the D&C and they didnt find a thing wrong with the embryo. Instead of being happy, im depressed because I feel like it was my fault. I asked my doctor could breastfeeding cause a problem and he said no, but I'm still wondering whether it did or not.

..blah..

Im not feeling any better emotionally or physically. I have been bleeding heavy for a couple of days now at first it seem like it was tapering off but then I started bleeding heavy with light cramps. I hope I dont have to have another d&c. I read that sometimes when you bleed heavy it could mean that all of the baby isnt out. I have an appt on the 16th, Im guessing they are going to check my HCG levels again. This time they are SUPPOSE to drop...sigh..Im just not myself today I want to be alone for a while but thats not possible. I guess I just have to "suck it up" since I really dont have anyone to talk to. Writing is kind of a release for me so I like to blog, but lately I have been considering deleting all of the social sites i've joined. Im just in a dump right now, definately not myself. I guess I better get some well needed rest.

Q_Q

Miscarriage/D&C

Yesterday I received the news that I had a missed miscarriage and this morning at 5:30 I went to have an D&C done. I was so scared and nervous, I couldn't stop crying. I was happy when they finally let my husband come in the back with me while they did blood work. But it soon came time for the procedure and I was wheeled down this long hallway and we entered into this all white room with bright lights everywhere. I really don't remember much because of the anesthesia. remember waking up and feeling tubes down my nose. I thanked GOD as soon as I came to realize what had just happen and that I was okay. Right now I feel sad, depressed, angry because I feel like I let my husband down, I let myself by not being able to carry this baby to full term. I wanted this baby so badly as soon as I knew of his/her presence I was filled with joy. That joy only lasted for a moment it was quickly stolen when I found out that the baby was not thriving. I feel like it was my fault because I was breastfeeding and maybe the baby didnt get the nutrients he needed to survive. My first child died at 21 weeks, my second child was born a month early, and this baby didnt make it past first trimester. I hope this pattern does not continue because I want to have more kids, I want a big family. With all of this going on I don't know if that will ever happen.

x_x

RESULTS!!

I just got a call from the nurse my numbers did not double like the were suppose to. Saturday my numbers were at 288 and yesterday it was 333. I have to go back tomorrow to take the test again. I don't know what to think..Im just going to keep thinking even though its really hard. As I said before the doctor thinks that the baby implanted on my ovary and from the looks of those numbers its kind of hard to think differently. So Im going to the doctor tomorrow. I was cramping really bad last night too. I tried to just lay down and relax but it was hard with a 11 month old jumping, playing, and crying and crawling all over the place. My husband was at work so I had to tackle her all alone and he has to work tonight too and doesnt get home til 6:30 am.

Be back soon with the result from the doctor..hopefully Friday.

GOD is in control

I am so nervous. I can barely do anything without thinking about the appt on Monday.It seems as though I would be more confident but for some reason I'm not. My husband keep telling me that everything is okay and I'm going to look back on this and see that I have done all this stressing for nothing. I certainly hope that is how it is. Im having pain on my left side and it seems that it has increased since yesterday. It could all be in my head because of the fear and maybe that fear is turning into paranoia. I have been doing research on ectopic pregnancy trying to find an article on baby being implanted on ovary. I didnt even know that a baby could implant on an ovary I heard of tubal pregnancy though. From what I know and heard that the egg leaves the ovary and travels through the fallopian tube and wait(<-not the word I was looking for but you get the idea) for the sperm. Then it travels from there to the uterus..well that is what is suppose to happen. *sigh* I want today to be a good and worry-free day but as long as I am in front of my computer that cant happen because I'm bound to start digging around for some info regaurding ectopic pregnancy. So off I go.

Suzzanna

BAD NEWS!! :(

I just came back from the hospital and I am very depressed to say the least. I went to the ER because I have been bleeding and having sharp pain on one side..long story short an ultra sound was done. The doctor nor the tech could see a fetus just fluid. The doctor discovered a cyst at least thats what he think it COULD be; which would be a good thing in this case because he think the baby has implanted his self on my ovary instead of my uterus. Im praying thats not the case. Monday I will also have a quanitive test done to make sure my numbers are going up.I'm clinging on to hope when I was pregnant with Genesis I was told they didnt see a baby. One yr later i have a habby and healthy baby girl. I know thers still a chance of something going wrong. Please keep me in your prayers.

Preggo My Eggo!!

Am I dreaming? Is this real?
Today I took a pregnancy test because I wanted to start working out today. My husband and I made a quick errand to Wal-Greens and as soon as I walked in the door I ran to bathroom. I was pumped about getting ready to work out; which I have been putting off far too long. Anywhoo I took the test went to talk to hubby for a bit..went back to check the results and it read PREGNANT! I jumped up and down but at the same time I was (and still is)in disbelief! Im taking another test later on tonight and hopefully it will confirm that I am pregnant. GOD, I am thrilled, beyond happy... This was definately not expected not even planned of course I wanted to have a baby but didnt think that it would actually happen. Hold on, I think I am getting ahead of myself right now. I keep thinking it is a false positive. Im praying that it is not. Im scared to get too excited..sigh... I have been going backwards and fowards every since I read that oh so beautiful word "pregnant" I want to make sure that everything is good and going smoothly. After I take that test and IF it confirms that I am pregnant Im will be making my first appt. Oh my!! Could I really be doing this all over again!? I am certainly more than ready

SIGNING OFF

love..love..LOVE

I cant help but stare, I cant help but to smile, but to laugh. Every single time I see your face or hear you laugh. I often think about what I went through to get here and I realize it was all worth it! How lucky am I to be able to have you call me mama. I love you Genesis!

A slice of my life as a SAHM

It's ten minutes after eleven o' clock and Genesis and husband are sleeping while Jay and I sit in the living room. While I blog he is playing the x box. I know..i know he probably should be in bed matter of fact its wayyyy past his bedtime but there no school tomorrow; atleast not for him anyways so I figured what the heck! Today was a laid back day for me my husband got off early so I had a little help with the kids. He is now sleeping which brings me to the subject of the is blog. My husband has two jobs and he usually works on his off days so he end up working 6 days out of the week sometimes even 7. Today is one of those days I wanted to cuddle and watch a movie, eat dinner together, talk bout our day BUT (theres always a but) that didnt happen. I miss it..A LOT! I miss the attention and I know he is out the doing the best that he can to provide for his family and I am thankful and very appreciative. I am able to be a stay at home mommy; which means every thing to me. I just wanted to rant well this isnt so much as a rant just releasing the feelings I have inside.

Good Night Mystery Readers (LOL)

My Boobie Baby :D

Conversation between my sister and I.

sister: hey what are you doing?
me..nothing just feeding Genesis.
sister: WHAT? Youre still breastfeeding!!!

ummm...yes if I was formula feeding would I get the same reaction. I dont understand why its so weird or crazy for me to be breast feeding my 10 month old daughter. I have had a couple of people to gasp when I tell them I am breast feeding..I mean really!! Is it really that big of a deal?!!

I have been exclusively breast-feeding since Genesis was 2 days old and I don't plan on stopping until SHE is ready. No I don't plan on plan on breast feeding a 3 yr old but yes I plan on letting her wean her self off. I dont see a end in sight since she now eats more than ever. After she eat pureed food she still wants the breast and I dont see a problem with it.

Okay enough ranting I have a 10mth old beside thats needs my undivded attention so off I go.........

Playing Catch Up!

With each second, each moment that passes I realize that I want more kids and I want to start ttc but my husband would rather wait. Im going to start buying a couple of ovulation kits from earlypregnancytests.com. I usually get them for a good price. I figured since it took me a yr to get pregnant with Genesis that I wont be getting pregnant any time soon but then again who knows!! You never know what GOD is up to :) I'm hoping I will get pregnant within 6 months..I hate putting a time frame on something because if I dont get pregnant I will begin to feel depressed. But I will use this time to go to the doctor to get the ok, and excercise. I have gained weight over the last couple of months. I have been eating like CRAZY I have used the excuse of breast feeding to eat one more slice of cake, or just another scoop of that delicious ice cream. I want to lose around 10-15 pounds maybe more. I have promised myself that I will put these words into action, no more excuses!!

no on to the next subject..the kids! Everything is going well. We are still waiting for Gen to start walking. She will stand up but for now thats about all she will do. Im pretty sure she will start walking pretty soon though. On the 29th she will be 11mths old. I still cant believe how time has flown by. When I was pregnant it seemed like time was standing still. Now to having it flying by like this... its kind of frightening but exciting at the same time. I ALMOST dont want her to grow up. She is such a character lol she will get angry if she doesnt get what she wants she will even hit you. In case you cant tell she is the boss around here!

As promised heres a couple of pics of the kids!










Thanks for reading!

Until next time...

caio

Guess Who's Back

No, I havent fallen off the face of the earth!! Everyone is doing okay; happy and healthy. Mother's Day was a sweet and wonderful day for me. My hubby cooked dinner and I basically just lounged around and enjoyed being pampered! He bought me a laptop and took me on a shopping spree. I still managed to sneak a couple of the things for the kids in the cart. Speaking of kids they are growing like weeds. Genesis birthday is right around the corner; June 29th to be exact. We are planning a trip to sea world its exciting just thinking about it. The only thing Im dreading is the lonngggg ride, but im sure I will enjoy every second. I can't believe she about to be 1 yrs old. I'm now ready to began ttc again. I just have to convince my hubby. I hate saying that because I don't want to convince him to do anything, I want him to want a baby as bad as I do. I call Genesis our love child because that is exactly what she is. I prayed and cried and did a lot of begging for her. Im so glad that GOD answered my desperate prayers. I didnt think I would ever be a mommy. I love her so much she is my everything. I can just cry right now just thinking about how much I love my sweet little girl.
(awww the joy of being a mother) even when shes throwing her toys, trying pull down the trash can, trying to eat food out of mommys plate, trying to eat her hair bows, trying to take off her diaper, eat her wipes (and the list goes on) at the end of the day I wouldnt trade being a mother for the world and all thats in it. In my eyes I already have everything.
(could I have ended this post any sweeter lol)

off to bed I go its almost 4am)

p.s- pics coming soon im on my new laptop and I havent quite figured everything out yet lol

My Little Tater-Tott

Genesis is trying to crawl now, but she just scoots backwards. At first when I would try to put her on her knees and hands she would immediatly fall down, now she actually stays in that position she don't move an inch. Im proud of my baby girl I think were finally getting somewhere. Besides babbling she has not started to talk yet I can't wait to hear her say her first words. I wonder will it be ma-ma or da-da. I get excited just thinking about it. She has grown so much over the last 7 months we overcame a lot of hurdles. I can still remember when she would cry to the top of her lungs in public, or when I use to change her pamper, or if I put her down just for a second. Now she is just as calm, happy, silly,playful baby. She eats just about anything except sweet potatoes she is allergic to those (atleast I think she is). One night after eating it she started getting bumps all over her face. I can't believe she loves carrots and green beans. I was expecting her to frown and spit it out when she first tried it, but to my surprised she gobbled it up and wanted more. I think it's so cute how she leans toward the spoon and open her mouth as wide as she can. I even let her get a couple of licks of ice-cream (i know i know bad mama LOL) but she just loves it! She turned 7 months today and Im already planning her a little party or maybe a little get together. At first I was unsure because at one she won't be able to remember anything but so what thats why we take pictures. So we decided to go to sea world for her birthday we thought about Disneyland but it's 16 hrs drive. I'm afraid of heights so were not getting on a plane. It looks so much fun though (for the kids that is... wink)

signing off

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I love her funny face :)

Genesis saying bye-bye..I Think

Last night while playing with Genesis I told her bye-bye, and she would usually she would just stare at me. To my surprise last night she started making the hand motions I couldnt believe it. I quickly called my husband and told him and he didnt believe so he told me to send him a video. And here it is....what do you think. Am I crazy or is it just an conincidence (which is what my hubby thinks) It does seem like shes a little too young, but then I again I dont know....

Genesis and Her Sippy

A couple of days ago we bought Gen her first sippy cup, and she loves it! At first she wasn't too crazy about the idea NOW if she see it on cabinet or table she reach for it, and cries if you don't give it to her. Well, I captured the moment on video..Enjoy!

Rambling...(blah-blah-blah)

Today has been an relaxing day..well so far its been relaxing. I spent most of the day listening to music and cleaning while Genesis slept. I went to bed a little after 4am and I was up again at 6:00pm getting Jay ready for school. I wanted to let my husband sleep in for a while; he deserves it! I felt it was the least I could do since he works 12 hr shifts and he even works on his off days at his second job. Nothing new is going on with us besides our "move". We are moving sometime early February and I am so excited!

Jay birthday is coming up!! He is going to be 5yrs old. I have no idea what to get him since Christmas just passed plus my husband and I bought expensive gifts. He got a Wii which was a little over 200.00 and some games to go along with it, clothes, other toys. His mom will be having him a b-day party at her house;which is 2hrs away.

Oh I forgot to mention Im going to start sewing. My first project will be some mary-janes, then some curtains and some slippers for Jay. I was in fashion design in school so its nothing new to me it just been so long (2004). I just need some fabric and my music and Im sewing away. Speaking of music I heard this new artist today; well she is just new to me. Her name is Adelle and I love her song Chasing Pavement she has a really great voice, she kinda remind me of zero 7 for some reason anywhoo I have done enough rambling. Enjoy the pics :D